Monday, February 11, 2008

Falling apart

I know no one reads this, but maybe it'll help to get some of this out of my system. And on the off chance that someone does read this, please leave a comment. You can do it without having an account and you don't even have to leave your name, it would just be nice to know that someone out there is getting this.

I feel like I'm falling apart. Slowly but surely, one piece at a time. I only got about 4 1/2 to 5 hours of sleep last night, but I barely feel tired. Sick, I think, is more the word I'm looking for. I thought I had everything figured out for after graduation. But Saturday night, my already shaky living arangement fell through. It probably shouldn't have upset me as much as it did, it was never definate, and it relied heavily on Kara finding a full-time job back home, but it was a blow nevertheless. Also on Saturday night I find out that Bria picked her wedding colors...white and a deep scarlet red, the red that I've had my heart set on since Erika took purple, and Bria's wedding was only a few weeks before mine. I know it was childish, but I wanted to hit her, I couldn't believe it, especially since I had just told her the night before what my colors were. Then, I thought I had Sunday to relax, do my homework, get another picture finished for my senior project and my boss calls to tell me that I'm suppost to be at work. I some how missed the 10th on the schedule and never wrote it down, and when I was looking for the paper that has my schedule on it I couldn't find it in the mess that is our table, which I have taken over with a ton of crap for my senior project. This table looks like I feel right now -- a complete mess. I lost it, because I couldn't find a piece of paper, I fell apart. And I still had to go to work, which lasted much longer than I was hoping it would and Helen was no help at all the whole time. I swear I'm gonna quit.

But heres the kicker, the thing that literally threw me over the edge. I come back from work, Ryan and I eat dinner, I start to get a little bit of work done between episodes of Smallville, and at quarter to 10 Ryan shatters my small, chaotic little world. He doesn't think he can marry me. Those were his exact words. "I don't think I can marry you." Of course he put no inflection in this sentence, but what I heard loudest was the "you" part. Like, its not because he isn't ready to get married, but because it was ME that he was going to be marrying. Insane right? Well, thats just how I am. But, to the surprise of both of us I think, I didn't freak least not right away. I heard what he was saying and somewhere in my mind I get it, but I don't think I will ever understand it. Aparently we want two different things. He won't be ready to be married for another 3 or 4 years, and I don't want to have kids after I'm 25. So obviously that means that its just not going to work out, no chance at all. Well, to be honest, thats not exactly what he said, but it was the basic gist, as I heard it. The thing is, if I did move on, if I gave up, we broke up and I tried to find someone else, I still wouldn't be getting married for another 3 or 4 years. And thats only if I could find someone who would be willing to married a broken, used version of me. It just seems so unfair, that I've given him everything I possibly could, if he wanted it and it was in my power to give it to him I did (with the exception of power tools). And I know he's given me alot too, but this was the one thing that I set my whole future around. All of my plans hinged on the fact the he said he would marry me. I have no where to go now. He's just going to continue on with his life like he would have if everything had worked out, just he won't be doing it with me. And if I happen to stick around he seems to be okay with that, but it doesn't look like it would really phase him at all if he lost me completely. He says he loves me, but its times like these that make it harder to see. I have no dreams, no ambition beyond what I now can't have. How am I suppost to come back from that? Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but this is honestly how I feel.

All I want from life is an honest man, that loves me, but that loves me to the point that it would hurt him to loose me. Is that too much? Am I asking for something outrageous? I thought that was the definition of loving someone. Well, not the exact definition of course, but close enough. That it would cause you pain if they were removed from your life. Would he care if I walked away from him now? Would it hurt him enough that other people would see it? Or would he continue on with his life like nothing happened, with me being just a distant memory, a college mistake? I'd like to think that it would hurt him, that when he says he loves me that much he's telling the truth. But I don't think we're going to find out, because him loving me that much isn't the deciding factor, I love him that much, and for now thats all that matters.

If he wants time he can have it, I just hope he realizes how hard this summer is going to be, what with the 4 or 5 weddings that we have to go to...I don't know if I can do this....