Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm sorry I've been gone so long

This was posted in July...

"Anonymous said...
Your prayer warriors would like an update on the situation that was at hand in February. How are you? What have you learned? Has this summer been as bad as you thought it was going to be? Have you grown from your experience? Did the Lord give you the grace and strength that was needed?"

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, I honestly didn't realize anyone was reading this as I only ever got the one comment. Of course I haven't posted much to comment about I suppose, so the lack of comments could be entirely my fault. Anyway, to answer the questions, let's start with the easier ones--

How are you? - At the moment I'm not so sure how I am. Other things have worked out so far. I did find a place to live, and I sort of have a job, though the bill payment part of my life is touch and go right now. Student loans are a pain in the butt. As for everything else, I'll get to that in a minute.

What have you learned? - As much as I hate to admit it, I learned that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that we didn't get married this summer. Don't get me wrong, I still would have done it in a heart beat, but at time I feel like it wasn't such a bad thing for me to be on my own for a year, or well, the last 7 months anyway. And Ryan definitely needed the time to himself, though according to him, he always needs time to himself. I've tried to tell him, he's an only child, he's had 19 or so years to himself, its time he came into the land of the living for a while.

How was your summer? - It was rough. Its never easy to watch other people get what you want while you sit back and watch, or are forced to participate. Though admittedly the one wedding I was in wasn't as bad as the others. Still, 5 weddings was rough and theres still one more next month.

Have I grown...ect.? - I don't know about growth. I haven't gained any patience, I know that much. As for grace and strength...well, I'm still here and I managed not to be overtly negative while at these weddings, so I had grace and strength enough for that. Though, He's not supposed to give us more than we can handle, so I guess it was to be expected that I make it through the summer intact.

Now to update you on the situation....In all honesty, the reason I even looked at the blog tonight was because I was feeling like I'm in the same place now that I was in February. Things were looking up. I thought that if I gave Ryan some time, that if he saw our friends getting married and how well they handled it, how happy they were, that maybe he would realize he was being overly negative to the idea. That maybe he was scared for no reason, because he never could give me a reason as to why he was scared or why he wanted to wait, just that he was and he did, which in my book is no good. If you feel a certain way, theres a reason and you should figure it out before you throw your feelings at someone like that. I get that sometimes its hard to understand why you feel a certain way, but he didn't even try to explain, like he didn't think I needed to know.

Anyway, he mentioned a couple times that he had been thinking about proposing (no, he's never actually proposed, I don't have a ring, I kinda went about things backwards the first time). You know, since just because you're engaged doesn't mean you have to get married right away, or even that you have to set a date. Then when we were at Britt and Dan's wedding last month we actually talked about "it" for the first time since the February incident. We both kind of feel stuck where we are, like someone hit pause without telling us. At least that's how I feel, he's worried about getting stuck in his job and never accomplishing what he wants with his life. I said 'duh, that's why I'm here, so I can bug you until you do all those things you planned to do. I'm not gonna let you stay in Lansdale for your whole life. I don't want that either.' He feels bad about putting my life on hold, or at least he said he did, though at times I think he says things like that and then forgets them the next day. If he really meant that, wouldn't he have acted to correct it by now? Or at least be working towards correcting it? But no, nothing, not a single thing has happened, not even another conversation since. And I thought we were getting somewhere. Once again I was wrong, I got my hopes up when I knew I shouldn't. The worst part about getting your hopes up is that you know you shouldn't, and you tell yourself you shouldn't, but you do anyway.

I thought I had been doing so well, but the more I see my friends with their spouses and how happy they are, and then I look at myself. I just feel so STUCK, like we're not going anywhere, not because we don't want to, but because he won't let us, and I don't know WHY, and its driving me crazy. For one brief fleeting moment I thought maybe this summer would be ok for him. It would make sense, he had his time, and my year lease is up at the end of July. And I could do that, give him a year to get himself together, that's not too much, but now, I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't know when he's thinking. And I HATE not knowing whats happening in my own life! Plus I don't' know if I can do this for another year. Another year means more weddings, more people I know getting what I want but can't have, and to no one's surprise, that doesn't get any easier. I just wish I could make him understand how I feel about this whole mess, but I've tried. And either he just doesn't get it, or he thinks what he wants is a little more important in this situation, because he's determined not to compromise. So if I'm gonna get what I want he has to think its his idea (not that I would actually do anything like that, he's paranoid enough about being manipulated).

Goodness, that was long, but now I have a few questions of my own. I know you commented anonymously, but I'm wondering....You said you've been praying and you asked about God giving me strength, but I don't think I've ever come out and said anything that would imply that I was religious, unless you took it from the name of my high school...or you know me. But if you know me then why not tell me who you are...unless your someone that I wouldn't want to be reading this...but whatever, I can't make you tell me who you are, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know, depending on who you are...

Monday, February 11, 2008

Falling apart

I know no one reads this, but maybe it'll help to get some of this out of my system. And on the off chance that someone does read this, please leave a comment. You can do it without having an account and you don't even have to leave your name, it would just be nice to know that someone out there is getting this.

I feel like I'm falling apart. Slowly but surely, one piece at a time. I only got about 4 1/2 to 5 hours of sleep last night, but I barely feel tired. Sick, I think, is more the word I'm looking for. I thought I had everything figured out for after graduation. But Saturday night, my already shaky living arangement fell through. It probably shouldn't have upset me as much as it did, it was never definate, and it relied heavily on Kara finding a full-time job back home, but it was a blow nevertheless. Also on Saturday night I find out that Bria picked her wedding colors...white and a deep scarlet red, the red that I've had my heart set on since Erika took purple, and Bria's wedding was only a few weeks before mine. I know it was childish, but I wanted to hit her, I couldn't believe it, especially since I had just told her the night before what my colors were. Then, I thought I had Sunday to relax, do my homework, get another picture finished for my senior project and my boss calls to tell me that I'm suppost to be at work. I some how missed the 10th on the schedule and never wrote it down, and when I was looking for the paper that has my schedule on it I couldn't find it in the mess that is our table, which I have taken over with a ton of crap for my senior project. This table looks like I feel right now -- a complete mess. I lost it, because I couldn't find a piece of paper, I fell apart. And I still had to go to work, which lasted much longer than I was hoping it would and Helen was no help at all the whole time. I swear I'm gonna quit.

But heres the kicker, the thing that literally threw me over the edge. I come back from work, Ryan and I eat dinner, I start to get a little bit of work done between episodes of Smallville, and at quarter to 10 Ryan shatters my small, chaotic little world. He doesn't think he can marry me. Those were his exact words. "I don't think I can marry you." Of course he put no inflection in this sentence, but what I heard loudest was the "you" part. Like, its not because he isn't ready to get married, but because it was ME that he was going to be marrying. Insane right? Well, thats just how I am. But, to the surprise of both of us I think, I didn't freak least not right away. I heard what he was saying and somewhere in my mind I get it, but I don't think I will ever understand it. Aparently we want two different things. He won't be ready to be married for another 3 or 4 years, and I don't want to have kids after I'm 25. So obviously that means that its just not going to work out, no chance at all. Well, to be honest, thats not exactly what he said, but it was the basic gist, as I heard it. The thing is, if I did move on, if I gave up, we broke up and I tried to find someone else, I still wouldn't be getting married for another 3 or 4 years. And thats only if I could find someone who would be willing to married a broken, used version of me. It just seems so unfair, that I've given him everything I possibly could, if he wanted it and it was in my power to give it to him I did (with the exception of power tools). And I know he's given me alot too, but this was the one thing that I set my whole future around. All of my plans hinged on the fact the he said he would marry me. I have no where to go now. He's just going to continue on with his life like he would have if everything had worked out, just he won't be doing it with me. And if I happen to stick around he seems to be okay with that, but it doesn't look like it would really phase him at all if he lost me completely. He says he loves me, but its times like these that make it harder to see. I have no dreams, no ambition beyond what I now can't have. How am I suppost to come back from that? Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but this is honestly how I feel.

All I want from life is an honest man, that loves me, but that loves me to the point that it would hurt him to loose me. Is that too much? Am I asking for something outrageous? I thought that was the definition of loving someone. Well, not the exact definition of course, but close enough. That it would cause you pain if they were removed from your life. Would he care if I walked away from him now? Would it hurt him enough that other people would see it? Or would he continue on with his life like nothing happened, with me being just a distant memory, a college mistake? I'd like to think that it would hurt him, that when he says he loves me that much he's telling the truth. But I don't think we're going to find out, because him loving me that much isn't the deciding factor, I love him that much, and for now thats all that matters.

If he wants time he can have it, I just hope he realizes how hard this summer is going to be, what with the 4 or 5 weddings that we have to go to...I don't know if I can do this....

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Dreams of the past

I haven't been sleeping very well recently, but I have been dreaming. The weird thing is that I feel like I'm dreaming while I'm only half asleep so when I wake up fully I remember the entire dream instead of just pieces like normal. The weirder thing? I've been dreaming about boys from home. Not like "Oh I really like this boy" dreams like I would have had about them in high school, but more normal dreams like, I see them somewhere and we talk for a while cause its been so long since we've actually been able to do that.

A couple days ago it was Matt I was dreaming about, which in all honesty makes sense, I still think about him a lot, especially now with everything thats happening with his son, Joshua (if you're interested check out his wife, Susie's, blog here ). I know I miss talking with him because I think about it so often, he's like the only person I could spend 3 hours on the phone with and not want to hang up, I can't even do that with Ryan. Its just hard having him be so far away with a whole family I've never met. But still, good for him, I'm proud of what he's doing with his life, he turned out better than a lot of people thought possible.

Last night, however, surprised me. Andy was in my dream, and I'm not sure thats ever happened before, not even in high school. It wasn't anything weird, he was just there, and I think we were at a basketball game of something. It just kind of struck me when I woke up. I miss him, I really miss him. Not like that should be surprising, but usually its more around homecoming that I realize how very much I wish I still got to see him on a regular basis. And this just kind of came out of no where.

My life is full and I don't regret anything or anyone in it right now, I think I just miss have two big piece of my life be solely in the past and not part of my present at all. Sometimes I feel like life would make a little more sense if they were still around...