Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm sorry I've been gone so long

This was posted in July...

"Anonymous said...
Your prayer warriors would like an update on the situation that was at hand in February. How are you? What have you learned? Has this summer been as bad as you thought it was going to be? Have you grown from your experience? Did the Lord give you the grace and strength that was needed?"

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, I honestly didn't realize anyone was reading this as I only ever got the one comment. Of course I haven't posted much to comment about I suppose, so the lack of comments could be entirely my fault. Anyway, to answer the questions, let's start with the easier ones--

How are you? - At the moment I'm not so sure how I am. Other things have worked out so far. I did find a place to live, and I sort of have a job, though the bill payment part of my life is touch and go right now. Student loans are a pain in the butt. As for everything else, I'll get to that in a minute.

What have you learned? - As much as I hate to admit it, I learned that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that we didn't get married this summer. Don't get me wrong, I still would have done it in a heart beat, but at time I feel like it wasn't such a bad thing for me to be on my own for a year, or well, the last 7 months anyway. And Ryan definitely needed the time to himself, though according to him, he always needs time to himself. I've tried to tell him, he's an only child, he's had 19 or so years to himself, its time he came into the land of the living for a while.

How was your summer? - It was rough. Its never easy to watch other people get what you want while you sit back and watch, or are forced to participate. Though admittedly the one wedding I was in wasn't as bad as the others. Still, 5 weddings was rough and theres still one more next month.

Have I grown...ect.? - I don't know about growth. I haven't gained any patience, I know that much. As for grace and strength...well, I'm still here and I managed not to be overtly negative while at these weddings, so I had grace and strength enough for that. Though, He's not supposed to give us more than we can handle, so I guess it was to be expected that I make it through the summer intact.

Now to update you on the situation....In all honesty, the reason I even looked at the blog tonight was because I was feeling like I'm in the same place now that I was in February. Things were looking up. I thought that if I gave Ryan some time, that if he saw our friends getting married and how well they handled it, how happy they were, that maybe he would realize he was being overly negative to the idea. That maybe he was scared for no reason, because he never could give me a reason as to why he was scared or why he wanted to wait, just that he was and he did, which in my book is no good. If you feel a certain way, theres a reason and you should figure it out before you throw your feelings at someone like that. I get that sometimes its hard to understand why you feel a certain way, but he didn't even try to explain, like he didn't think I needed to know.

Anyway, he mentioned a couple times that he had been thinking about proposing (no, he's never actually proposed, I don't have a ring, I kinda went about things backwards the first time). You know, since just because you're engaged doesn't mean you have to get married right away, or even that you have to set a date. Then when we were at Britt and Dan's wedding last month we actually talked about "it" for the first time since the February incident. We both kind of feel stuck where we are, like someone hit pause without telling us. At least that's how I feel, he's worried about getting stuck in his job and never accomplishing what he wants with his life. I said 'duh, that's why I'm here, so I can bug you until you do all those things you planned to do. I'm not gonna let you stay in Lansdale for your whole life. I don't want that either.' He feels bad about putting my life on hold, or at least he said he did, though at times I think he says things like that and then forgets them the next day. If he really meant that, wouldn't he have acted to correct it by now? Or at least be working towards correcting it? But no, nothing, not a single thing has happened, not even another conversation since. And I thought we were getting somewhere. Once again I was wrong, I got my hopes up when I knew I shouldn't. The worst part about getting your hopes up is that you know you shouldn't, and you tell yourself you shouldn't, but you do anyway.

I thought I had been doing so well, but the more I see my friends with their spouses and how happy they are, and then I look at myself. I just feel so STUCK, like we're not going anywhere, not because we don't want to, but because he won't let us, and I don't know WHY, and its driving me crazy. For one brief fleeting moment I thought maybe this summer would be ok for him. It would make sense, he had his time, and my year lease is up at the end of July. And I could do that, give him a year to get himself together, that's not too much, but now, I don't know what he's thinking, and I don't know when he's thinking. And I HATE not knowing whats happening in my own life! Plus I don't' know if I can do this for another year. Another year means more weddings, more people I know getting what I want but can't have, and to no one's surprise, that doesn't get any easier. I just wish I could make him understand how I feel about this whole mess, but I've tried. And either he just doesn't get it, or he thinks what he wants is a little more important in this situation, because he's determined not to compromise. So if I'm gonna get what I want he has to think its his idea (not that I would actually do anything like that, he's paranoid enough about being manipulated).

Goodness, that was long, but now I have a few questions of my own. I know you commented anonymously, but I'm wondering....You said you've been praying and you asked about God giving me strength, but I don't think I've ever come out and said anything that would imply that I was religious, unless you took it from the name of my high school...or you know me. But if you know me then why not tell me who you are...unless your someone that I wouldn't want to be reading this...but whatever, I can't make you tell me who you are, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know, depending on who you are...