Sunday, January 11, 2009

Buzzed confessions

So, Wyatt and little Wyatt (Vickie) had an after party, after their reception (hence the 'after' part of the party). Anyway, there was a lot of alcohol at the after party because there wasn't any at the reception. Now, I'm not a big drinker, but they had rasberry chuck and I didn't realize this until after I already had a green apple. Two drinks usually aren't a problem for me as long as I eat something, and I was kinda eating stuff, but since there was rasberry chuck too, I had 3 drinks, and then Wyatt thought it was funny that I was 'buzzed' so he went and got me another drink, which I only drank half of before Ryan wouldn't let me have it anymore.

I wasn't drunk, I was just buzzed, I swear, I was thinking straight and could balance on one foot and everything, I even remember the whole night, I was just really dizzy, and seeing how I get dizzy easily without help...well, you can imagine. Also, I know that when I get like that, I'm not entirely in control what comes out of my mouth. Not that what I say is terrible, I just usually edit better, mostly its stuff about myself that I usually wouldn't tell anyone. So this time, after a lot of people had already left, Ryan and I were sitting with Dan, Bria, Nathanael, Beth, and Kristin...actually, Beth might not have been with us at that point...anyway, Kristin and I were talking (Ryan was the only other one listening to us) about be honest, I'm not entirely sure why, but I did tell her that they have to wait so that we can have kids at the same time, that way they can grow up together. I was saying that the other day I had been reading about natural gender selection (which is basically choosing the gender of your baby by the kind of foods you eat and other things like that).

I've been saying for the last year or so that I want 2 kids, but only if the first is a boy, because I don't want to chance having 2 girls. But as I was talking to Kristin about this, I was telling her something I didn't plan on telling much as I want 2 kids, I don't really know if I want a boy first or not, because as much as I want a boy and a girl, I really want a girl, and I'm afraid that if I do have a kid that I'll only be able to have one. The reason behind my fear? Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disease where tissue that lines the uterus also grows outside of the uterus, causeing several things including infertility. I don't know that I have this disease, its just something that I'm afraid of because its characterized by a screwed up menstral cycle, which I have. Now I could just have that because I'm little and my weight yo-yos a lot, or because I'm slightly anemic, or whatever, but it could also be caused by endometriosis. Which is frightening.

So, after having this conversation with Kristin, she gets up for something and while she's gone I look over at Ryan. He looks at me, almost sadly, and says real quiet "You never told me you were worried about that." I just shrugged and looked away, what are you suppost to say to that? "Oh, sorry, I never really planned on telling anyone, let alone you, I just happen to have a little too much tonight and I'm not editting what I say very well." Yeah, I don't think so.

Its not that I didn't want him to know eventually, but...he's always on the look out for me to be manipulating him into marrying me sooner than he wants too. I want kids, and he knows that, but I don't want him to think that I would use something like this to get him to marry me sooner so that I could have kids, or find out if I can anyway. I don't know, maybe that sounds crazy....yeah, it probably does sound crazy, it kinda is, but thats my life. And now one of my biggest fears is out there in the open, so hopfully he'll do something good with it and not just ignore that fact that I'm serioulsy worried about it.

Though what I expect him to do about it I have no idea...


Kara said...

Talk about not editing- you had a whole convo about how I shouldn't like jared cuz he's fat. lol. and I said that I'M fat- so it's ok- and you were like: no you need a big muscular person- not a FATT person. lol.

As for the worries- it makes sense. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrom) which is why I'm on birth control. It screws up your hormones, and your period- hence why i used to be a bigger bitch before birth control. It also messes up a lot of things such as the fact that it's near impossible to lose weight and it's easier for me to gain weight then the normal person, and some other stuff. But anyways- the biggest thing for me is that it's nearly impossible for someone with PCOS to conceive. So having kids is a slim chance for me. I know i CAN possibly get pregnant but it's a really really small chance. At least you have someone who loves you and can share that worry with you. For me- it's just another Con to add to the pro/con list of dating me. I'm worried that I'll meet the guy of my dreams, tell him about it- and he leaves me cuz he wants a family..... i dunno. But yeah- you're not alone. I kinda understand what you're going through if you want to bitch to me.

Amanda said...

Yeah...I remember the convo about Jared, I still maintain that everything I said is true, I just probably could have said it with a little more tact...

Also, if you were to meet the man of your dreams and he left you because you don't know that you'll be able to have kids, then he wasn't the man of your dreams to start with. If he's the one for you that won't matter at all.

Kara said...

when did you get to be so wise.... and stop it! haha. Thanks Amanda