Sunday, January 18, 2009

Life...

I'm feeling restless with my life today...well, to be honest, it hasn't been just today that I've felt that way, its been the last couple weeks. I'm not sure where I'm going right now, but I feel like wherever it is, I should have gotten there by now.... I know where I'd like to be, but I don't have much say in getting there at the moment...My life is stuck on pause and I don't like it.

In other news, I'm still looking for another part-time job. It's gotten to the point where I really can't pay all my bills and feed myself on what I'm making right now, but I can't seem to find anything else. The things I would like to do (see previous post) aren't exactly instant money makers. Books take a long time to write and my ideas don't come that fast, and even if they did, finding a publisher is almost impossible, and that only works if the book turns out any good. And modeling only works well for tall, busty blondes. I'm cute, but I look like a 14 year old, and lets be honest, what are the chances of that working out? Plus, the photography thing (you know, what I went to school for) isn't gonna go anywhere until I get a decent camera, and I can't do that without money. Its a vicious cycle.

I had fun this weekend, but at times I get so frustrated...I love my friends, I do, but sometimes I feel like everyone else has problems and struggles and I don't want to throw mine in there too. Like, I know they all know that I'm frustrated with the fact that Ryan hasn't proposed yet, but I almost feel bad talking about it because they're all single, and I can't talk to the ones that are married, because, well, they're married.... I know everyone has something that they struggle with, but I feel like some people unload everything they're feeling but don't take anything in from those around them, or they pretend to but its obvious they aren't really paying attention. 

On the occasion that I do talk about my problems with Ryan, a lot of times it comes back to 'I'm the only one left', and the instant response, 'you still have me, and me, and me. We're not getting married anytime soon.' I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not exactly what I mean. I'm the last one left in this limbo period of my relationship. Everyone I know is now either married or single. Either actively starting a new life, or actively looking for someone. All I get to do is wait, and wait alone. I'm not trying to down play anything my friends who are single go through, I know its rough being single. I can't say I know how hard it is to be in a relationship that doesn't end well, but I can imagine, and I know its hard, I don't look at your struggles as insignificant, it's just that I don't understand exactly what you're going through, and you don't really get what I'm going through. So its tough. And how heartless would it seem to complain about not being engaged to a friend you just went through a hard breakup? I'm not that inconsiderate. I just feel like everything gets so stuck in me and I can't get it out, and its not like I can talk to Ryan about it, cause he just gets upset.....

Life...I just wish it would move forward already...

(And I know that there are people out there reading this and not commenting...come on, give me some validation, I don't care if I know you personally or not, leave it anonymously if you have to, but really? Really?)

4 comments:

Kara said...

DUDE - I want you to come to me and talk to me. I've been worried about you - but I never brought it up because I don't want to push things. But I'm very sorry if i'm one of the ones that are complaining a lot and unloading without taking in anything or listening to anyone else. i feel like poop if I am one :(

But please- just becuase I'm single doesn't mean that i don't love ryan and I can't understand you. It may be that we're coming from different sides but I can relate to you! Just because I'm single and complain about it- doesn't mean that I haven't accepted that this is where I'm supposed to be for the moment. So it's not going to crush me to have you talk about ryan :) (sometimes it's harder to hear about Amy and Gen and their NEW boys- cuz they're getting new guys and I'm not- then it is to hear about you and ryan) :)

I love you to death girl- and you're like the ONLY one to read my personal blog- and I'm a complainer there. Be a complainer here or get on AIM and complain to me there. It's too hard to keep it all bottled in- because then you come to resent your friends!!!

SO DO IT HO!!!!!!! I love you to death- and I really feel like we've gotten closer in the last few weeks- and I'm not going to just run away cuz you need to bitch to someone. You have me girl- use me!

(does all this make sense? I feel like I'm rambling like rambo)

Amanda said...

I love you, Kara, and no, I wasn't thinking of you with the whole 'not listening to anyone else's problems'...

Kara said...

Well I don't care. I love you. LOTS. So use me. OH and - not all models are busty blondes. In fact that's rare now a days. Get your green dress on and make the weather warm up (it's a shame it's so damn cold- cuz a dress in the snow would be bangin) and we'll take fairy pictuers!! :) you are beautiful, not just cute. So stop short-changing yourself!!!!!!!!

Look at those pics I did of you- they aren't just good cuz I can hit the shutter button. They're good cuz the model is bangin too. Duh. I only shoot pretty people

Brittany said...

After reading this, I really feel like I need to apologize... the past few days, I have been realizing how involved I have been with my own issues and I felt like the line about not really hearing what my friends are going through really resonated with me... not that i'm saying you meant that towards me or not, but that is what I've been doing. And I'm sorry for that... anyway... just want to know that i love you to pieces and, i may not always have the best advice, but i am always, always, always hear to listen!!