That's right, I watch Syfy

Joan of Arcadia marathon on the Scifi channel?! Sweet!

A morning alone

Ryan had to play guitar for both church services this morning, so I've been home alone (well, Jasper is here) for a while, which gave me time to play around with the mac. I probably should have been working on my website, but for some reason I can't bring myself to even start. I think its just one of those things that I know will probably take a good chunk of time to get done and I just don't want to sit here that long working on something that like 5 people will look at, ya know? I wish getting art out into the open where people, people I'm not related to or friends with, can see it was a bit easier. I feel like all the other artist I find online did it so easily, and here I am in my tiny apartment with no money to really spend on this kind of stuff and I feel stuck. There's so much I want to be able to do, and I just can't with what we have right now. I want a printmaking studio so bad...but where exactly would I get the money for that? Or the space?

We've been looking at empty lots of land in the area, hoping to be able to buy one once our lease is up in June. That way we could just get a prefab house put on the empty land. It seems to be a win-win situation. Prefab homes are customizable to some extent and they're much cheaper than having a house built from scratch. And we could find land with enough room for a yard, and trees (to keep Ryan happy), plus we wouldn't have to worry about taking the dog outside in the dark/rain/snow we could just open the back door and let him go by himself. Maybe if this works out I could have my printmaking studio by July or August....but I'm not holding my breath, right now it all seems a little too good to be true, though I would LOVE it if we can actually make this happen.

Here's what I've been up to this morning...

And now, I'm am off to play Wii Fit Plus, I have to work on my snowball fighting skills so Ryan doesn't cream me 16-4 again...

Christmas!

I didn't get to post yesterday, so I will have to post 2 pictures today to make up for it. Here's what I had for yesterday.

Yes, the top of the paper does say "doodle pad for young Schwenkies" I got bored during the Christmas Eve serivice...

And here is the picture for today


Ryan got me a Wii Fit Plus for Christmas and dogs can use it too! So this is a picture of Jasper's mii, super cute right?

Art

Alright, so my latest attempt at keeping up with this blog has been pretty pathetic, however I have a new idea. I'm going to try to post a picture a day, maybe that will help me remember to post and not worry about what to post about.

In other news, I stumbled onto this little etsy page the other day arian.etsy.com. Super cute art, super cute artist. She also has a blog, which I of course read compulsively until I ran out of posts to read. Which inspired me to start drawing again, something I haven't done since before college. For some reason being an art major really made me not want to draw anymore; maybe because it became something I had to do instead of something I wanted to do? I don't know.

Anyway, if you check out Arian's etsy page you'll be able to see how much her art actually did inspire some of the stuff I've been doing in the past few days. Here's what I did tonight.

I need friends

Or at least friends that live closer



I want to see New Moon, but Ryan won't take me

I'm back

Now that all that wedding business, finding a job, moving, and getting used to being married is done, I have time to sit down and blog a little. I won't promise that I'll be constant, but maybe I'll stick with it this time...maybe.

Anyway, last night was Pop's birthday dinner and Cassie (Ryan's cousin) was telling us all about the work she's been doing with a philanthropic company in Ireland. She gets to go over there 4 times a year now. After listening to her talk about it I'm even more excited at the prospect of possibly moving there in a couple years. Ryan should have his certification by this summer hopefully, which will make him much more employable to the tree companies that have international offices. After that all we have to do is save enough money to get over there and decide whether we want to move to Oxford, so he can go back to school while we're there, or somewhere in Ireland. I'm super excited now, but we'll see what happens in the next year....

Invisible Children

So Invisible Children has done it again. On Saturday Ryan and I went into Philly to Independance Hall Park to "abduct" ourselves in solidarity with the child soliders in Uganda. Invisible Children put an end to night commuting with the Global Night Commute, this time they are trying to bring home all of the 300,000 abducted child soldiers. So starting Saturday thousands of people in 100 cities in 10 countries around the world abducted themselves and vowed not to leave until they were rescued by both the media and a person of influence in our society (i.e.-a celebrity, senator, or someone from congress). Unfortunately we were unable to stay the whole night as Ryan had barely slept the night before. Philly was rescued by a congressman around 8 p.m. Sunday, and as of right now there is still one city left out of the 100, Chicago. They aren't leaving until someone rescues them, hopefully it will happen soon, they've been there for 4 days, and not in the greatest weather.

Let me just say, there is absolutely nothing like watching 1,000 people (mostly teenagers and college students) dance to Pride (in the name of love) by U2 at 8:30 at night in the middle of Philadelphia. All because they managed to raise over $2,000 for children they've never met in a country most of them will never see...

WooHooo!!

I GOT MY DRESS!!

I wish I had a picture...

I'M ENGAGED! Finally, ha ha. Unfortunately my digital camera doesn't have a macro feature that works the way it should, so I can't focus close enough to get a picture of my ring, or I would post it. However, I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this has probably already seen it or will see it relatively soon.

So he did the bare minimum I asked from him. He actually said "will you marry me", and really thats all I told him he HAD to say, cause I wasn't gonna just take the ring without him asking me for real. BUT he is Ryan and I should have known that if I wanted anything more elaborate than that I was gonna have to tell him exactly what to do....which is not however you want to be proposed to so...oh well, it doesn't really matter. I got the ring I wanted, on St. Patrick's Day, after leaving an authentic Irish Pub, so it was very RYAN, and I'm ok with that. I suppose my answer was very me ("do I get to keep the box?" "Yes" "Oh, yeah, alright I guess"), so what can you do. Though now he's telling everyone I said 'yes' and technically I didn't, but the meaning was the same, so I guess it's alright.

RIdiculously priced rocks and babies

Saturday Ryan and I went to pick out the stone for my engagement ring. Wendy had 3 stones for us to look at, and honestly they all looked almost exactly the same. Though one wasn't quite as clear as the others and one was almost pink instead of red, oh yeah, and there was about a $1000 difference between them. One was a little over 500, one was 12 something and one was 15 something. And when Wendy asked Ryan which one he liked better he said "whichever one she wants, it doesn't matter"---I was like WHAT!  Of course it matters, retard, they look the same, why spend over $1500 dollars on something when you can get almost the exact same thing for $1000 less. Needless to say, I picked the cheap one. Wendy placed the stone in the setting so we could see what it would look like once they had it all together, and then she made me put it on! Even though I couldn't keep it; that's the second time they told me to put it on and then took it back. Ridiculous. Anyway, Wendy said it should be done Saturday, so I'll be getting it anytime after that.

That night we went out to dinner with his parents and they kept talking about how cute this little girl that was sitting a few tables behind us was. Seriously, like every 15 or 20 minutes they would look over at her and start talking about how cute she was again. At first I thought maybe I was being crazy and they really just thought she was cute, that maybe they weren't trying to, not so subtly, tell us that they wanted grandkids. Generally that's not really their style, they usually just come out and say what they want. So maybe I was reading into it right? No. During one of their 'oh she's so cute' moments Ryan's dad decides to tell us that one of his prayer requests when Ryan was born was that he would live long enough  to see his grandchildren. SERIOUSLY! We're not even officially engaged yet, I'm not wearing the ring, and he's already pushing for us to have kids. Like he's expecting to kick the bucket any day now. I swear that man is going to live forever, he just doesn't want to admit it.

Yay!

Wendy called Ryan today. I get to go pick out the stone for my engagement ring tomorrow!

Feeling incredibly smart for once

All the things I got to do this weekend:

1. Eat at Kildare's (amazing chicken, I just wish it wasn't so expensive)

2. Play kickball (I'm much better now than I was in elementary, probably because my feet are bigger)

3. Go to a farmer's market for the first time (ridiculous amount of food)

4. See and try on my engagement ring (it's only the setting, we've yet to pick out a stone. Also, it was just cruel to tell me to try it on and then take it back, I wanna keep it SO bad)

5. Fill out the form to use the church for the wedding

6. Start learning Irish Gaelic (Ryan got Rosettastone, and let me tell you, I only used it for maybe 25 minutes and I felt like a genius afterward. It is amazing)

7. Ask my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids (I'm trying to get a jump start on this planning stuff, it's tough going without a ring or money)

8. Go on two pretty awesome photo shoots with Kara

9. Talk to Erika for the first time since November

The things I'm most excited about, seeing my ring and learning Gaelic. Seriously, I felt incredibly smart, coolest thing ever.

On and on and on

So, I'm updating, though I don't have much to say. Work has been challenging to say the least. Russell has been having a hard time listening and he doesn't exactly enjoy picking up after himself. Which means we have to start 'clean up time' about an hour before lunch so that the house is clean before he eats. I had to put him in time out the other day and he screamed for 5 minutes straight, no exaggeration. Also, I still need another job...

In other news, it's still not quite official, but its looking more and more everyday like Ryan and I are actually getting married this summer. The ring should be arriving sometime next week, well, the setting anyway, he's having the stone set by a friend. So, its coming and soon, I just don't know exactly when. Which is good, generally you're not supposed to know these things in advance.

Things are looking up

So, Ryan and I are going to look at apartments tomorrow, not for both of us, just for him. But I figured it couldn't be a bad sign that he asked me to go with him.

Then tonight on our way to Bria's to play Munchkin, he told me that he went into the jewlery store the other day to see Wendy. Wendy is his friend that owns her own jewlery store, she already has everything on file about the ring I want along with my ring size and all that stuff. He said he told her to start looking for the rock that they're gonna put in my ring. And I KNOW thats a good sign. I just don't know how good of a sign it is yet. Like all I know is that he's working on getting a ring....what I don't know is how soon I might be getting it, or what I'll be doing when my lease is up at the end of July...

But hey, for now at least, I'll take what I can get.

EDIT: I just got back from looking at apartments with Ryan. They were some pretty sweet apartments, so yeah, pretty sure he's gonna live there...and apparently I will be too in like 6 or 7 months. I actually got up enough nerve to ask him exactly when he thought this wedding was going to take place and he said, 'August or September, whenever you need it to be with your lease and all.' So, yeah, he's working on getting the ring, and he thinks we're getting married this summer, but I'm trying not to get overly excited until I actually SEE this ring, he's done this to me before, and I don't want that to happen again.

I wish...

I wish I had something exciting to write about. Nothing seems to be happening at the moment. I've been meaning to update for the past few days, but every time I tried to I could find the words. I feel like I have so much to say, but it just won't come out.

In other news, Ryan told me on Friday that I should stop dropping unneeded hints all the time. He knows what I want I just have to be patient. My answer? I know I don't need to drop hints, but it makes me feel productive. Like I'm doing something to get what I want instead of just waiting. I'm not good at being patient or waiting this long, I'm trying, really, its just hard. I get anxious when I don't know whats coming next, and I can't plan for it. And I don't like that I only get to see him once a week. He promised he would fix it soon, though I don't know how he plans to do that or what version of soon he was referring to.

Also, after paying rent at the end of the week I will have approximately $14 to my name. I need a job, and I really don't want to continue babysitting. I know its easy money, but I kinda want something a little more legit tax wise, and I'm kinda tired of watching bratty kids. Its tiring. 

I'd be fine if I didn't have to pay rent...

Life...

I'm feeling restless with my life today...well, to be honest, it hasn't been just today that I've felt that way, its been the last couple weeks. I'm not sure where I'm going right now, but I feel like wherever it is, I should have gotten there by now.... I know where I'd like to be, but I don't have much say in getting there at the moment...My life is stuck on pause and I don't like it.

In other news, I'm still looking for another part-time job. It's gotten to the point where I really can't pay all my bills and feed myself on what I'm making right now, but I can't seem to find anything else. The things I would like to do (see previous post) aren't exactly instant money makers. Books take a long time to write and my ideas don't come that fast, and even if they did, finding a publisher is almost impossible, and that only works if the book turns out any good. And modeling only works well for tall, busty blondes. I'm cute, but I look like a 14 year old, and lets be honest, what are the chances of that working out? Plus, the photography thing (you know, what I went to school for) isn't gonna go anywhere until I get a decent camera, and I can't do that without money. Its a vicious cycle.

I had fun this weekend, but at times I get so frustrated...I love my friends, I do, but sometimes I feel like everyone else has problems and struggles and I don't want to throw mine in there too. Like, I know they all know that I'm frustrated with the fact that Ryan hasn't proposed yet, but I almost feel bad talking about it because they're all single, and I can't talk to the ones that are married, because, well, they're married.... I know everyone has something that they struggle with, but I feel like some people unload everything they're feeling but don't take anything in from those around them, or they pretend to but its obvious they aren't really paying attention. 

On the occasion that I do talk about my problems with Ryan, a lot of times it comes back to 'I'm the only one left', and the instant response, 'you still have me, and me, and me. We're not getting married anytime soon.' I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not exactly what I mean. I'm the last one left in this limbo period of my relationship. Everyone I know is now either married or single. Either actively starting a new life, or actively looking for someone. All I get to do is wait, and wait alone. I'm not trying to down play anything my friends who are single go through, I know its rough being single. I can't say I know how hard it is to be in a relationship that doesn't end well, but I can imagine, and I know its hard, I don't look at your struggles as insignificant, it's just that I don't understand exactly what you're going through, and you don't really get what I'm going through. So its tough. And how heartless would it seem to complain about not being engaged to a friend you just went through a hard breakup? I'm not that inconsiderate. I just feel like everything gets so stuck in me and I can't get it out, and its not like I can talk to Ryan about it, cause he just gets upset.....

Life...I just wish it would move forward already...

(And I know that there are people out there reading this and not commenting...come on, give me some validation, I don't care if I know you personally or not, leave it anonymously if you have to, but really? Really?)

Following forgotten dreams

So, y'all are gonna think I'm crazy, but I've had this secret dream, since I was in like middle school, to be a model. And watching marathons of ANTM never helps (though I haven't done that in a while). Crazy right, I'm not at all model material, but whatevs, its my dream, I'll make it what I want.

Anyway, so the other day I'm trolling all the posts on craigslist looking for anything interesting and I find this:

Hi. I'm looking to do a concept shoot and would like to use a thin/petite model. The fewer curves the better.... If interested, please email me with a sample photo and any questions you may have. I will be happy to provide details at that time.

So my first thought is, whoa, I have NO curves, I'd be perfect, ha ha, and then I ignored it and moved on. But the thought stuck with me and I went back a day or two later and the post was still there. So I thought 'what the heck, why not at least email the guy'. I mean, I know how hard it is to get people to model for you, especially when you're looking for something specific and you're not offering money.

So I emailed him, and he emailed back (Kara thinks he's a rapist, but whatev, I'm too trusting for that to be my first thought). Due to the fact that I can, at times, look like I've just returned from a prison camp, he said my 'look' would work just fine. So I'm gonna do it, and I'm making Kara come with me for two reasons 1.) So I don't get raped and killed and 2.) I thought it would be a cool experience for her since she's really gotten into her photography lately. Plus, it'll be a good experience for me and my shiz too.

The other dream I've had (since third grade) and not told anyone about was being a writer. I've wanted to be a writer for so long. I used to write little stories and 'publish' them in my own little 'paper' and then hand them out to my family. I even illustrated a couple of them. Unfortuantely, as I got older I kinda stopped writing, I mean, every now and then I'll get a really good line and write it down somewhere, but never anything long enough to do something with.

Well, about 3 months ago, as I was driving home from somewhere, a really good line jumps into my head, and I was like 'oh crap, that is just too good to let go'. So I figured it was time I actually started trying to write the book I've always wanted to write, which is where my other blog came from. Whether or not I'll get anywhere with it is yet to be seen, but who knows, maybe I'll actually finish this one...

Buzzed confessions

So, Wyatt and little Wyatt (Vickie) had an after party, after their reception (hence the 'after' part of the party). Anyway, there was a lot of alcohol at the after party because there wasn't any at the reception. Now, I'm not a big drinker, but they had rasberry chuck and I didn't realize this until after I already had a green apple. Two drinks usually aren't a problem for me as long as I eat something, and I was kinda eating stuff, but since there was rasberry chuck too, I had 3 drinks, and then Wyatt thought it was funny that I was 'buzzed' so he went and got me another drink, which I only drank half of before Ryan wouldn't let me have it anymore.

I wasn't drunk, I was just buzzed, I swear, I was thinking straight and could balance on one foot and everything, I even remember the whole night, I was just really dizzy, and seeing how I get dizzy easily without help...well, you can imagine. Also, I know that when I get like that, I'm not entirely in control what comes out of my mouth. Not that what I say is terrible, I just usually edit better, mostly its stuff about myself that I usually wouldn't tell anyone. So this time, after a lot of people had already left, Ryan and I were sitting with Dan, Bria, Nathanael, Beth, and Kristin...actually, Beth might not have been with us at that point...anyway, Kristin and I were talking (Ryan was the only other one listening to us) about kids...to be honest, I'm not entirely sure why, but I did tell her that they have to wait so that we can have kids at the same time, that way they can grow up together. I was saying that the other day I had been reading about natural gender selection (which is basically choosing the gender of your baby by the kind of foods you eat and other things like that).

I've been saying for the last year or so that I want 2 kids, but only if the first is a boy, because I don't want to chance having 2 girls. But as I was talking to Kristin about this, I was telling her something I didn't plan on telling anyone...as much as I want 2 kids, I don't really know if I want a boy first or not, because as much as I want a boy and a girl, I really want a girl, and I'm afraid that if I do have a kid that I'll only be able to have one. The reason behind my fear? Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disease where tissue that lines the uterus also grows outside of the uterus, causeing several things including infertility. I don't know that I have this disease, its just something that I'm afraid of because its characterized by a screwed up menstral cycle, which I have. Now I could just have that because I'm little and my weight yo-yos a lot, or because I'm slightly anemic, or whatever, but it could also be caused by endometriosis. Which is frightening.

So, after having this conversation with Kristin, she gets up for something and while she's gone I look over at Ryan. He looks at me, almost sadly, and says real quiet "You never told me you were worried about that." I just shrugged and looked away, what are you suppost to say to that? "Oh, sorry, I never really planned on telling anyone, let alone you, I just happen to have a little too much tonight and I'm not editting what I say very well." Yeah, I don't think so.

Its not that I didn't want him to know eventually, but...he's always on the look out for me to be manipulating him into marrying me sooner than he wants too. I want kids, and he knows that, but I don't want him to think that I would use something like this to get him to marry me sooner so that I could have kids, or find out if I can anyway. I don't know, maybe that sounds crazy....yeah, it probably does sound crazy, it kinda is, but thats my life. And now one of my biggest fears is out there in the open, so hopfully he'll do something good with it and not just ignore that fact that I'm serioulsy worried about it.

Though what I expect him to do about it I have no idea...

My uninteresting life

So, I'm in MD for Wyatt and Vickie's wedding, and I'm spending the night at Vickie's. However, anyone who knows Vickie knows she goes to bed the same time any normal 80 year old would (ok, so its not really that early, but hey, I exaggerate, get over it), and I'm the only one here besides her family since all the guys are staying at their apartment with Wyatt. So to occupy my time between when Vic went upstairs to sleep and when I am going to sleep I've been trolling through random blogs. I have to say, and yes, I know this sounds stalkerish, I enjoy reading about other people's lives. The things is, other people are so much more entertaining than I am.

There was this one blog, especiaLEE, that was about an asian girl who lives in LA (or there abouts) and goes to college in Syracuse, there wasn't anything overly special about what she was writing, just what she was doing during her break from school, and how she felt about having to go back, and you know what? It was way more interesting than anything I've written on this blog, aside from maybe that one post about how I was falling apart. I have to admit, that was some pretty dramatic stuff, true, but dramatic all the same.

Why can't my life be cool and interesting? Maybe a better question is why do I bother? No one ever reads this anyway....Though maybe I should put a counter on, that way I would know how many people are actually here and just not commenting...

Coloring Patience

So, for the first time today I got to color with the 2 year old I babysit. I've tried coloring with him before, but he always lost interest quickly. Well, he got a Cars color wonder coloring book for Christmas and he was really excited about coloring in it, but like with everything else I HAVE to do it with him or he pouts. Unfortunately he wanted my HELP, which in 2 year old terms means that he wanted to color only where I was coloring and no where else. I, on the other hand, cannot handle coloring in the same place as someone else. I about smacked the kid, he kept pushing my marker out of the way and coloring over what I had already done!

I have no patience for children that color like that. If my children ever tried that with me, they'd lose they're crayons for a week.

Posting again already...

Yes, yes I am posting again already, hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this a little better than I have the past year, but who knows.

So I changed the layout...again. I hate boring layouts and I hate cool layouts that don't let you post pictures. Lame.

Anyway, things have been going well, I think mostly I get so desperate sometimes because I can't say this stuff to Ryan's face. I always have things planned that I want to say to him, or I rant at him in my head, but once I actually get in front of him it just doesn't seem that important anymore.

For now my biggest problem is paying all my bills. I NEED another job, but I can't seem to find one at the moment.

P.S.- Comments are always nice, even anonymous ones.